Almost
by hazily32
Summary: A little bit of how I wish S3 would have ended...a one-shot.


It's been a very long time since I've written and this story has been complete and sitting on my computer for months now. I figured I needed to get it uploaded and out there before the premier airs next month :) I wrote this after watching the finale and wished it would have ended a bit more like this. Here's to McSwarek happiness in Season 4...

* * *

**_She almost died today. _**

It wasn't the first time of course, but in her estimation today's near brush with death was the most frightening. She felt the fear deep down in her core, the aching surge of electricity shooting from her stomach to the headache now firmly resting behind her eyes. The headache from too many restricted tears, too many thoughts pressed down and too many words unsaid. The pain was mixing with bone-bending exhaustion from the day's events. Her bravado had been checked at the door along with her coat, shoes and a firm dose of her pride. Only a single tear had fallen the entire day. She told herself to wait until she got home, to the comfort of her own house where she could shut the door, lay face down on her couch and sob to her hearts content.

At the station, while being debriefed, she had to physically hold onto her steel chair, focusing on the shiny corner of the armrest. It was smooth and cold, but by the time Andy had finished making her way over the metal spot with the palm of her left hand, it was as hot as fire. She looked down at her palm, a small blister was making its way to the surface and she winced as she didn't even realize what she had been doing.

"Andy, are you ok?" The look of concern in Luke's eyes was unmistakeable. He set his pen down from scribbling on his notepad and laid his hands palms down on the desk. "Cause you know, if you're not ok, that would be alright."

"I'm fine, Luke. Really, no big deal." Andy bit the side of her cheek and stared straight into his eyes, trying to drive the sentence home.

"Andy." He paused, checking over his words, making a mental decision of which tone to use once he spoke them. "Come on. You almost died today. I mean, if that grenade had gone off in your hands or when you took it from Katie..."

A frown passed over Andy's face and Luke wasn't given permission to continue.

"I know that Luke. I was there, remember? I've been explaining to you what happened this whole time." Andy gestured wildly with her hand over the tablet he had been writing on.

She closed her eyes and immediately regretted her tone. "Are we done yet?" The headache was sitting firmly at her temples now. She hadn't meant to be rude, she really hadn't, but Luke's concern for her wasn't the salve she needed over her wounds.

"Yeah, no problem. We're done." Luke understood her quick reaction. It really was none of his business, beyond a professional level at least. He just knew that the last few weeks had been especially rough on Andy and even though he had no claim on her anymore, or even wanted claim on her, he felt a bit of care over her safety.

Andy placed her hands on the desk to push her chair away and stand up. Luke quickly took to his feet and grabbed her wrist over the length of the desk. His eyes quickly shot down to hers as a look of confusion swept over her face.

"He's an idiot, Andy." His eyes already apologizing for his confession. "And...I'm...glad you're ok."

Andy's eyes remained on his as he slowly let go of her wrist. He hadn't touched her since...well...since _before. _His hand was now a foreign object to her, colder than she remembered, more calloused, but she could still feel the concerned grip and for a moment, was thankful for it.

She slowly stood up from the chair and turned to walk out the door. Her hand was on the knob as she barely looked over her shoulder, "You're a good man, Luke." She tried hard to get out the door before he could say anything, it was hard enough just saying the words. But she had meant it. In an instant she was gone, door softly clicking behind her, Luke staring, blowing out a sigh of relief. He already knew how much of an idiot he was.

**_She almost died today. _**

Andy took her time in the locker room getting dressed, she allowed herself to replay the day in her mind, what she did and what she could have done differently. Her friends told her she was brave, did the right thing, was a good cop, sentiments that she appreciated, things that she already knew. It had taken her a good two years to not doubt herself on the job, but finally, today, she was confident that she did the very best she could to save Katie's life.

"_Serve, protect, and try not to hold any grenades."_ Best smiled his big toothy grin after he called her into his office before being debriefed. "Yes Sir, I'll remember that for next time." He was teasing her, and maybe it was too soon for that. But she was toughening up, he noted. A surge of pride when through him...and also of regret. This job caused young people to grow up at a staggering rate. His only recourse was that those same young people knew what they were getting into when they signed up. Danger was part of the job. A big part of it.

Andy's lip turned up ever so slightly at the thought of starting tally marks for every time she almost died on the job. A different kind of notch on the bedpost, per se. She could almost make a sport out of it. Just watch for it...a new show about narrowly escaping death starring.._Officer Andy McNally! Probably a new episode every week, _she agreed with Best wholeheartedly, danger was part of the job, completely signed up for it when she decided to enter the Academy.

"Yes Sir, it's all part of the job and goodness knows, I love my job."

Today she wasn't sure she believed the words flying out of her mouth. Best noticed her hesitation, almost like the words were memorized and expelled at will.

"McNally," Best placed a hand on her shoulder, keeping her at arms length and dipping his head to match her eyes a good foot below his. "You almost died today, maybe you can love your job...tomorrow."

All he got was a quick nod and a, "Yes Sir." He recognized that anything more than that and she wouldn't be able to hold back the tears forming behind her eyes. He let her shoulder go, not wanting to cause any more awkwardness.

"Yes, well, Luke is waiting for you to get your statement."

She turned and pushed open the big glass doors. Best watched her go, hoping beyond all hope that the days events hadn't broken any of her spirit.

**_She almost died today._**

"_Danger magnet is right," _she rolled her eyes at herself._ "Well at least I would have gone out in style!" _Traci didn't appreciate the joke, Oliver thought it was hilarious.

Dov recanted the one time he had almost been blown up. It wasn't a particularly interesting anecdote, especially not for the umpteenth time, but Andy listened and hoped someone would walk by them in the hall so she could pass off Dov's story to them. Traci walked by, she had to get home to Leo. Oliver walked by, he just shook his finger at her and kept on walking. Andy looked back at Dov, noticing his soft features, how his hair fell far too low across his forehead. She suddenly wanted to grab some scissors and hack away at the thick fringe.

_Maybe if I told him it was fringe he would stop talking. _Andy cocked her head to the side to show she was listening. She loved him, really she did. Dov was the little brother that she never had. At the moment though, all she wanted was for the little brother to go find something else to do.

But then a second later he trailed off about Sue and her being the one to help him that day. He misses her. She can relate. Looking at the face of danger day in and day out, it changes people. Looking straight into the face of death...well...that can wreck a person, wholly and completely.

Andy, before she had a moment to think, wrapped her arms around Dov and gave him a good squeeze. It took a moment for him to return the hug, obvious confusion going through his mind. "Thanks Dov," she whispered into his ear.

"For what?" He questioned as they both pulled away from their sibling embrace. With a shrug of her shoulders, he answered his own question while talking with his hands, "Cause I'm so awesome, right? Cause need I remind you that _you_ were the one to hold a bomb today." That elicited a smile from Andy. "Uh, I don't know if I would call it awesome, but...thanks." Dov was a mystery to her. "You know what isn't awesome? If you had died. I mean, just four seconds and BAM that bomb would have blow you to bits! Sam too, right? He was there with you?" Of course Dov made a sound and hand gestures like the bomb had gone off in his hands.

Andy went stiff, "Yeah, Sam too." She picked up her duffle bag that was placed by her feet, slowly inched up and decided it was either move it or lose it.

"I'll see you tomorrow Dov," she nodded as she backed away.

"Wait, don't you have the rest of the week off? For like, almost-being-blown-up recovery time?" He smiled, knowing he was so clever and so cute.

"Then I'll see you next week," Andy turned and walked down the long hallway, out of the station. Dov made a face while talking to the air, "Well, I thought it was funny at least."

**_She almost died today._**

The thought of losing your life makes a person do things they would never have done before. Just like the thought of losing _someone_ you love makes a person do things they _should have done all along._

_"Sam...I'm holding a bomb," _was her only reply to his confession of love. A confession that he would have never expressed? Or a confession that should have been said all along? Either way, the words were spoken and she was left to dissect them just like the grenade was. Taken, torn apart, analyzed and bagged in parts. It would have been easier if the grenade had exploded.

_At least he didn't say it at a really weird time._ The humor of the situation was not lost on her. She smiled to herself as she hitched up her scarf around her neck and trudged towards her house. The cool air added to the shivers that she had been feeling since he said those words. At that moment she scoffed at the irony of the situation.

Sam wasn't there when she was done debriefing and he wasn't there when she was stalling for time in the locker room. One day he had told her he was _there when it mattered_. Her heart tightened at the hurtful, now familiar feeling that when it came to their relationship, all the times that would have mattered...just didn't anymore.

The walk home was silent and wet with just a slush of snow on the ground. After pressing her key into the lock on her door, hanging her coat and dropping her duffle bag by the fireplace, she padded to her room, leaving her shoes one by one as wet trails across the living room. Quickly she changed into sweatpants and t-shirt, pulling her largest, most comfortable hoodie over her head and placing warm woolen socks on her feet, replacing the ones wet from snow that seeped through her shoes.

Beginning to feel warm from head to toe, she grabbed her favorite blanket from her bed and headed for the living room. Exhausted as she was, her mind was racing and sleep wouldn't find her for another couple hours. She staggered over to the couch and flopped herself down in one swift movement, blanket flying across her body and over her head.

She pulled the blanket tight and heavy. It was her favorite, knitted with bulky yarn by her Grandmother in a brightly colored diamond weave. Just a simple afghan, it had always brought comfort and warmth. After long days on shift she would curl under it and flip through the channels on the TV. Or she and Traci would both lay it over their laps and sip wine while they chatted about Andy's new condo, Leo's piano recital or things of the heart (which sounded closer to teenage girl talk than anything.) Andy ran her hand over the textures woven together, an act of habit over the years. At one point the throw's yarn was hard, coarse even, but over hundreds of washings it was now downy soft and gentle to the touch. Another form of softness flooded Andy's memory as she remembered the times that Sam would pull it over them in the middle of the night, fire having died down and the warmth of their bodies leveling into a sleepy chill.

But tonight she found a new use for the blanket. Settled stomach down, heavy on the couch, the blanket began to catch her falling tears. Oh she knew they were coming, but had hoped the wouldn't. Crying was annoying, face all wet and nose all stuffy. But before she knew it, emotion began to sweep over her, resting on her back like a ton of bricks. She covered her head with her hoodie and blanket, only allowing her nose to peek out to breathe air untainted with her sobbing breath.

She hadn't realized how lost she felt. Strength was always her first reaction and it suited her well. It made her a good cop, it made her a reliable friend and it made her so horribly tired that there was nothing left to do but let go.

Here, in the privacy of her own home, she could look silly. There was no one to impress, no one to pretend to be strong for. So she cried. For the second time that day, she let a single tear fall from her eye and for the first time that day...she let another fall...and another.

She cried for Katie, a girl for whom life would never be the same. But mostly she cried for what could have happened of the day had taken an even harsher turn. All the words unsaid, all the time lost and all the emotions left for another day. The thought of that day never coming was too much to handle.

The TV blared some infomercial about a blanket with sleeves and for a moment it sounded like a great invention to her. Andy continued to retreat into her world of thoughts. She almost missed the knock on the door, it came gently, with slight hesitation.

She paused for a beat, making sure she heard the knock again. "Go away!" she yelled from the couch, voice nasal and muffled from the blanket.

"Andy, it's me." Sam's voice called out, low and hoarse and very close to the door. She pictured him leaning up against the door jam, forehead on his arm. She wondered if he had an oar this time around.

Andy pulled herself from the couch, no easy task since she was tangled up in the blanket. She pulled the throw around her and held it tight at her neck. Just a couple steps forward and the door was unlocked, not a word from her, and no invitation to enter.

Sam didn't wait for one.

He stepped inside and gently closed the door behind him, watching her back away from him, giving him space to enter.

"What are you doing here, Sam." Andy spoke through the small opening of her hoodie, fully aware at how ridiculous it looked, but not at all ready for him to see her red-rimmed eyes.

"I...I wanted to make sure you were ok," he answered, a hand stretched out as if to touch her. He didn't.

"Yeah, well, I'm fine Sam, really. No big deal." Andy said for the second time that day. She turned her back to him and walked to the couch, dropping the blanket of protection and releasing her hoodie off her head, flipping her hair back. She leaned against the couch's armrest, balancing herself on one knee, hands folded in her lap and teeth biting into the side of her mouth.

"Yeah, of course. I know you are." Sam's hands were on his hips, clearly not believing her at all. Minutes of silence passed between them, Sam knew it was his turn to speak. he opened his mouth to break the tension and then suddenly...

"I almost died today." Andy blurted out, the words flying into the air. They were spoken as if Sam didn't know what had happened, as if he hadn't been there, holding the bomb along with her.

"Yeah, I know," hands still on his hips, one long stride toward her, first movements to close the gap so strategically placed.

"No, Sam. I don't think you know." She placed a hand up and her eyes flung to his, revealing what they had been undergoing for the past hour. Bloodshot, glassy, under eye circles deep and telling...but what was there was more than a reaction to near death...it was genuine fear.

"I almost died today and that would have been it! Us. Done. Do you understand that?"

The fear had nothing to do with losing her life. She was used to that risk, accepted it and sometimes, had no regard for it. Her fear could be boxed up, wrapped with a big bow and presented to him as a gift, a little card neatly placed on top...

**_To Sam, _**

**_Fight For Us. _**

**_Love, Andy. _**

Sam took another step towards her, eyes never leaving her face.

"I mean, you break up with me in a parking lot. Ignore me for 6 weeks and then...just when I'm about to die...you tell me you love me? What is up with that?!"

"I meant what I said." He spoke with all the confidence he could muster while looking at what he almost lost.

"I don't know Sam, I mean...it's too late." Not for a second did he believe her words because the look in her eyes said that she didn't believe them either.

"No." If they were in a staring contest, Sam clearly would have won by now, his simple word of refusal seeming to be told by his eyes as well as his mouth. "No it's not."

Andy's eyes barely grazed his, a look of complete confusion mixed with blind trust crossing her face, she needed to believe in something again.

"How do you know?"

There he was, inches from her body, the distance from the door to the couch swiftly closed. His hand went to her chin and he urged it up so her eyes would meet with his fully, unencumbered. She looked so small, so young. Even so, the strength of his partner stared back at him. The trusting eyes, the set jaw, she was there, waiting for him.

"Because I know, Andy. I'm sure of it. More sure than I've ever been in my life."

"I'm not sure," she answered, her vulnerability resting on the wetness coming back to her lashes.

"Then I'll be sure for the both of us." He cupped her face in his hands, eyes darting from her lips to forehead. "You almost died today." Andy's eyes closed and the downturn of her lips broke his heart in an instant. He couldn't wait any longer, pulling her as close to him as he possibly could.

Sam held her flush to chest, one arm tight around her waist and the other clutching to the back of her head. He could feel her grip on his waist, fingers holding fast to his shirt. His chin rested firmly on the top of her head, enjoying the familiar feel that how even though he wasn't very much taller than she was, she fit perfectly in his arms, allowing her to feel the perfect combination of protection and comfort.

The weight of her body began to sag and her tears finally began again. Both of her hands came to rest on his chest and she tried to wipe away the tears, but it was no use. All of her weight was now his, but instead of picking her up, placing her strong on her feet, he let her down gently to the ground.

They both knelt, listening only to Sam's shallow breathing and Andy's painful tears falling. Sam's arms never moved from their rightful place around her back.

He kissed the top of her head, smoothing the back of her hair over and over. All at once he felt her relax and lean into him, turning her head so her cheek could rest on his shoulder. Silence swirled in the air until suddenly it didn't...

"_**We**_ almost died today," Andy said the words in one fleeting breath.

Just a touch of wetness sprung to Sam's eyes as he realized the gravity of her words and what they meant to them both. Sam shut his eyes fiercely, warning the pools forming to stay at bay.

He buried his face in her hair, the scent of her catching in his throat as the words came out muffled and true...

"...but we didn't."


End file.
